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presidenting is hard

possibly fewer
i'm caught in a new sort of anguish. on the one hand, i'm hearing the apparent leader of the united states tell one of the world's largest journalism organisations that his new job is harder than he thought it would be, and that he assumed it would be easier than his life as a businessman [where, let's face it, he'd long since ceased to be an active daily participant] and reality television star. i mean, one look at the before and after pictures of the last three presidents should be enough evidence that, yes, the job is really goddamned hard. all three of those men began their two terms looking somewhat younger than their actual age, and left looking like elder statesmen. come on, there's a reason they do those presidential portraits right after you're elected.

on the other hand, i'm a little surprised at his candour, which is as close to the man admitting he was wrong about something as we're likely to get over the next four or, god forbid, eight years. that said, he hasn't been shy about saying that he didn't know anything when he was mouthing off during the campaign, and now that people are taking the time to explain things to him, and now that he's forced to sit and listen to them over an apparently delightful piece of chocolate cake, he's changed his mind about a few things.

earlier this week, our own prime minister had to explain the nafta agreement and the penalties to withdrawal for him and his country. [trump, true to form, spun this as the other partners convincing him to stay.] keep in mind that prime minister justin trudeau is only six years older than the donald's eponymously named son, and can't claim a whole lot more political experience than his american counterpart. having to explain a trade agreement that trump made a central feature of his electoral campaign is akin to the grandchild who has to explain the internet to a grandparent who's already been using it for two years to forward emails in support of donald trump.

there's a fine rand mcnally store in washington. it is your friend.
[side note :: i suspect that trudeau did not explain that many in canada would love to renegotiate nafta, if only to strip away some of the provisions on the energy trade. before nafta, canada's export vs. import ratio with the united states was 8 to 1. since nafta, it's fallen to 3 to 1. guys, we'll capitulate on the fucking cheese.]

angela merkel had to take the bullet as the first person to explain something to trump, when she apparently had to go over what the geneva convention was, and that it wasn't just a statement of good intentions, but conferred actual obligations on its signatories. germany, the country responsible for the last major expansion of the geneva convention, is now teaching the united states what it means.

but the weirdest spectacle of all [unfortunately not conducted in public] was chinese president xi jinping giving the cheeto benito a condensed lesson on the history of china and korea [which dates from about 108 bce]. i have to admire president xi's economy of words, since this was accomplished in about ten minutes, but the fact that the donald came out of the meeting saying that korea used to be a part of china calls the objectivity of that crash course into question.

yes, mr. trump, presidenting is hard. your avowal that all that had to be done to remedy the situation was for a strongman to push china to take on the bulk of the work always seemed jejune to those of us with functional brain cells, but it's nice to see that you're catching up. i suspect that you're
devout christian. still a bad hombre.
 about to discover that your job only gets rougher from here. and while would love to see you crash and burn like the hindenberg, i know in my heart that that would be a very bad thing.

so, in the interests of security and sanity, i am putting together what i suspect will be an ongoing series of posts on how you can president, packed with information you need to know, but organised in blog post format, with cute pictures, to make it more fun.

so, mr. so-called president, welcome to "presidenting is hard", where you will learn about all the simple things that affect your job, and even get some ideas about what you could do to fix them. [keep in mind, i have even less experience than you do, so you'll want to ask a few other people for their opinions.]

get ready to take some notes. i would suggest doing this on your phone, which will both save paper and keep you from tweeting, thus killing two birds with one stone. [note :: do not kill birds during these lessons. don't let your odious offspring go hunting the bald eagle to extinction either, since your environmental policies are probably going to legalise that bullshit.]

classes will begin shortly, and we will be starting with your current cause célèbre/ bête noire*, north korea.

*ask your buddy marine le pen what those terms mean. she has some free time on her hands.

Comments

Reading the difficulty of the job in the before and after photos of his predecessors would have required empathy, which he doesn't possess.
Kate MacDonald said…
I remember seeing a (very bad) movie about prosecutions following WWII, and one of the characters hypothesizes "Maybe that's what evil is: a lack of empathy". I'd believe it about Trump. I'd also believe that he possesses characteristics of some pretty serious mood disorders, because he seems incapable of feeling or believing anything at more than surface level.

as long as you're here, why not read more?

write brain

i was talking to a friend of mine about coffee, specifically about our mutual need for coffee, yesterday and, literally as i was in the middle of a thought, an idea occurred to me that i felt like i had to note. so there i am, scribbling a note to myself that was really just a word salad of related terms, which i later transformed into a weird but more comprehensible note that i could refer to later. [i don't want another beatriz coca situation on my hands.] i feel like this idea isn't a story on its own, but something that i could incorporate into a larger project, which is good, because i have a few of those.

now, of course, i need to sit down and do research on this, because it's become terribly important to me that the details of this weird little idea that i'm planning on incorporating into a larger thing be totally plausible, even though no one but me is ever going to care. i'm increasingly convinced that the goal of every writer is to find someone who will t…

presidenting is hard :: these people are not your friends

hello mr. president! a while back, i promised that i would periodically be giving you some advice on how to do your job, since you seem a little unclear on how everything works. i didn't mean to go so long between missives, but the fact is that i've been busy and you're administration has been in overdrive giving me things to write about. what i've realised is that many of those things are ones i can't help you with: if you or anyone in your immediate circle worked with russians to compromise the 2016 election, that shit is done. robert mueller is going to find that out, because he's the kind of person who looks like the theme from dragnet just automatically starts playing every time he enters a room. so that's your problem. i'm just here to talk to you about what you can do now that you are, by law, the president. because, while chief detective mueller is doing his thing, we all need to live with your decisions. i'm even less happy about that than…

dream vacation

i've written about this before, but i have an odd tendency to travel in my sleep. i don't mean that i roll around  and shift positions a lot [although that was a problem in my childhood], but rather that i take these strange vacations in other places that do actually exist, for no particular reason. i would love to travel more, like most people i know, but in my dreams, i seem to pick places that wouldn't normally occur to me. [like greenland, which was actually green when i dreamt about it, and the volcanoes between chile and antarctica that i swear i didn't know about before i dreamt them, but which really do exist.]

for instance, a couple of nights ago, i dreamt that dom and i had gone on vacation to jerusalem, more specifically east jerusalem, also known as  the palestinian section, and also where a lot of palestinian homes get bulldozed. it's walled off from the west, israeli, part of the city, although the two are connected by a light rail line and a lot of h…